Old and new Creation

This is my boyfriend Glenn, and his testimony that aired on the news here this week.

http://www.wtoc.com/global/story.asp?s=14175500

you'll have to copy and paste. not letting me have a clickable link.

I don't want to grow up..but I did...a little too fast.

I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging on a more regular basis. I have no idea how many people actually make it through my extremely long ramblings, but if for no other reason...its a journal of sorts for me. And at the end of the day..I'm so exhausted these days, the last thing I want to do it write....so typing is MUCH faster.



Life is happening at lightening speed these days. I feel like I'm learning more on a daily basis than my brain can handle, and I'm definitely not processing it as fast as I would like. Something happened today that caused me to reflect back on my childhood.



Now..my mom will be the first to admit to you that I came out of the womb with the spirit of an adult and I tried to be one from a very early age. Don't get me wrong, I have a few memories of barbie dolls and little kid things, but all in all....I FEEL like I was an adult from an early age. I grew up very quickly. I don't know if its just Birth Order, and being the oldest.....but there are definitely some moments where I would like to go back and experience "childhood" again.



In school I used to get really aggravated when kids acted like kids and often wanted people to "Grow up." And even more so as an adult, when childish behavior is displayed, my patience level is thin. I've heard from several people recently that when someone experiences trauma at a young age, they kind of become emotionally stuck there if they don't deal with it. They can revert back to some of that emotional and behavioral at whatever age the trauma happened. This makes sense to me as I see people on a daily basis who sometimes display this theory. There are many who didn't even have an option of "being a child" because of life circumstances and were forced to take on the role of an adult for survival mode. I remember when my Dad left feeling so resentful that my teenage years had been interrupted and everything had to change.....I felt like I, as the oldest, had to take on the other parental role. And it did affect me socially and emotionally..



There are a few individuals in my life with whom I can be "Silly"...but more often than not it takes EFFORT for me to truly let loose. I'm afraid I'll look immature or ridiculous and have trouble really laughing AT myself. But today as I watched a young woman chase a man down the street to take a picture with him and a giant inflatable ball that looked like the world, and watched her swing with the kids at the park....I noticed the joy that you would see on child's face. God was redeeming part of the lost childhood back. So in my attempt to be a kid..I got an ice cream cone, and took a picture on playground equipment, and tried not to care. I also took a picture with the guy and the giant inflatable world.



At almost 30, I want to remember what its like to have faith like a child. To have wonder and curiosity and uninhibited joy.



I think we could all stand to have a little more "Inner Child" in us at times....and I intend to find her again.



Here's to princess dreams, finger paint, ice cream cones, tea parties, and mud pies.



What was your favorite childhood activity? I'm open to suggestions and some recess friends for the journey.

I love Myself too much.

Did the title catch your eye?

I actually got the morning off and so I decided to spend some time in the Word and Bible Study. It has been a very eye-opening morning for me. I'm doing the study, "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

One of the Lies today that really made an impression on me was the lie that "I need to learn to love myself."

Now, if you're like me...you read that and think..."Why is that a lie? Shouldn't we love ourselves?" I've lived 29 years believing that I needed to love myself more and that I my low self esteem came as a result of not loving myself enough. Boy was that lie shattered for me today as I read further. Here is a little excerpt from today's reading:


" 'You need to learn to love yourself,' is the world's prescription for those who are plagued with a sense of worthlessness. It has become a popular mantra of pop psychology and of a culture filled with people obsessed with finding ways to feel better about themselves.....



According to the Scripture, the Truth is that we do love ourselves - immensely. When Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves, the point is not that we need to learn to love ourselves so that we can love others. Jesus is saying we need to give others the same attention and care we naturally give ourselves....



The reason some of us get hurt so easily is not because we hate ourselves but because we love ourselves! We want to be accepted, cherished, and treated well. If we did not care so much about ourselves, we would not be so concerned about being rejected, neglected, or mistreated....



Our malady is not "Low self-esteem," nor is it how we view ourselves; rather, it is our low view of God. Our problem isn't so much a "poor self-image" as it is a "poor God-image." Our need is not to love ourselves more but to receive His incredible love for us and to accept His design and purpose for our lives. Once we have received His love, we will not have to compare ourselves to others; we will not focus on "self" at all. Instead, we will become channels of His love to others."



This seems so basic yet so profound for me as I need to completely readjust my thinking. I've always almost prided myself on being a giver....but with such a distorted view of self, I think there are times in my life where I've really been a taker. Especially in relationship with others. If I am so focused on MY needs and I'm not confident of who Christ says I am...I am continually draining the people around me to try to fill me....and it's never enough.



But oh to have a hunger and thirst that is quenched by God when we actually lose ourselves.....for then....we will find it. Find Him, and find contentment.



I wrote Psalm 119:34 on my hand today to remind myself that I am who HE says that I am. Fearfully and wonderfully made.



Morgan

the Adventure of Waiting.

Sometimes I forget to update this blog because I'm so used to just doing it on Facebook....but here was My blog from Last week. I'll probably add another today.

There is a quote by Joseph Campbell that says “Follow your bliss, and doors will open for you that you never knew existed. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.”



I would like to edit this for my own purposes and say, "Follow God, and doors will open for you that you never knew existed. Follow God and HE will open doors for you where there were only walls."



This sums up the past couple of months for me. I have simply been in a time of waiting and seeking the Lord. Which for me, has been an extreme challenge, due to the fact that I do not sit still very well for very long. I don't usually associate "adventure" with "waiting." But I've come to realize that there can be an adventure in anything the Lord is doing. The season of waiting I went through was a season of preparing me for the next adventure He had just around the corner that I was not aware of.



Ever since my first summer in Vancouver, BC, Canada, I have had a heart for the inner city. And over the course of the past 9 years, God has continually developed and increased that passion. This past summer it was confirmed that without a doubt, that was the type of ministry He has called me to. Well....Urban Ministry is not an area that plasters job opportunities on Monster.com, if you know what I mean. And on top of that, especially in Savannah, GA. When I did find some type of social service job it usually was a case management position that required a degree if not a masters (which I still have to finish up). While it seemed the opportunities were scarce, I still had this gut feeling like God was going to do something. I even had to turn down a few jobs because I felt like He was telling me I had to say "No" at that moment in order to be able to say "Yes" later on. This did not make sense to a lot people. But for the first time in my life I was trying to Trust in a way I never have before. While I waited, I decided to start volunteering at the Old Savannah City Mission. This is a place in downtown Savannah that is a 5 star Gospel Rescue mission, whose mission is to:



To proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ,

To feed the hungry,

To shelter the homeless,

To rehabilitate the addict, and

To restore the ex-offender.



The Mission aspires to:



Establish High Standards,

Maintain Strong Boundaries, and

Give Clear Direction



They serve 3 meals a day, and have a few different programs available where men/women make a year long commitment to a residential program which focuses on spiritual and character development.



After volunteering at Thanksgiving, I was asked to help out with the administrative responsibilities for their program called "Fresh Start." Fresh Start is designed for men who have a coming or return to faith while incarcerated. After parole, they reside at the mission and go to classes, serve and work, worship, meet with case managers, and get their lives back on track to hopefully get rid of long term disobedience after transitioning back into world around them. There is a counter part to this program from women called, "A Place Called Home." I was told before Christmas that somewhere down the road there may be an opportunity for me to work there, but at the time, it seemed like a ways off. So I pursued other avenues and ended up getting a job right before I left at Lifeway Christian Bookstore. The day before I left California to come home, I received a phone call that the opportunity at the mission came sooner than expected and they were interested in speaking with me about full time employment as soon as I got back in town.



Long long story short, I started on Feb 1st full time at the Old Savannah City Mission. My job title is still being hammered out, but I think its going to rest some where around "Women's Program Case Manager." I am overseeing the Women's Program and doing all of the case management. It is a residential program and I actually live in a house with women who have been recently incarcerated and are committing to the one year program. As part of my job, I correspond with women who are still incarcerated, walk them through the application process, go to the jails/prisons for personal interviews, etc. Once accepted, I will work with them to create a case plan, teach classes, and live day to day life with them as they seek out the Lord and HIS WILL for their lives.



This is far beyond anything I EVER thought that I would do. It is WAY outside of my comfort zone and is causing me to have to lean on, press into, and trust the Lord daily. I live IN the inner city and hear stories daily that would honestly break your heart. I count my blessings DAILY that I have been raised in a godly home where I was nurtured and protected. And sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer because I can't identify with the road and life these women and men have walked, but I know it is by no mistake that I am here. God sees something in me and has put something in me to be able to do this job and I just ask HIM daily to work THROUGH me, use me as a VESSEL, and get the GLORY.



Your prayers are GREATLY appreciated as I embark on this adventure. It is SO EXCITING. I LOVE what I'm doing, and what I'm LEARNING. I'm so thankful for the Old Savannah City Mission and the individuals who were willing to take a woman who didn't come with the degree or latest qualifications, and be willing to train, coach, and mentor me to be able to following the calling and desire God has placed in me.



If you live in the Savannah area and are interested in learning about how you can be involved in the ministry of the Old Savannah City Mission, please send me a message. I would LOVE to talk with you.



Stay turned for an update later on some of the exciting things happening in the near future. My love and thanks to each of you!



"God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways, we cannot see. He will make a way for me. He will be my Guide. Draw me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day. He will make a way. God will make a way."



Love and Blessings,

Morgan

The Goodness of God

"Who am I that You are mindful of Me?"



This line of "I am of Friend of God" is one that is constantly rolling through my head today. I realize the last time I updated my blog was 3 weeks before I left Canada. I will need to go back and fill in some gaps. I apologize. But God has done a total makeover in my life and heart this summer and there were definitely times where I just had to withdraw from the opinions of others and really seek the Lord and clearly hear His voice. I apologize if that withdraw affected some friendships but....it was necessary in my life for a season.



So where am I now and what's going on?



Well..I'm in Savannah, GA. I moved back in with my Mom, which honestly, has been great. It's been a long time since I've lived back at home and while I was really nervous about the transition at my age, having been independent all these years, it has been sweet to have this time at home. I'm loving the fact that I'm in the same town as my brother and his wife and my new nephew, Tucker, (I LOVE being an Aunt), and my sister Jordyn, and her boyfriend are visiting this week. I've lived away from my family for a long time now and I'm soaking in these season of closer proximity.



I left for Canada a very broken, jaded, self-loathing woman (although I didn't realize it at the time)........and I have returned restored, hopeful, and more confident than I've been in years. I haven't been able to find a job, I'm having to share a car with my mother at the moment bc mine is retired, I'm down to my last few dollars with no idea how I'll pay my bills next month. BUT......I'm not stressed out. I can truly type this with an unexplainable peace. And full of HOPE.



As I reflect on the past few months, I am able to see God's fingerprints on even the smallest seemingly unimportant details of my life...

there is no coincidence with God. Here are some of the ways I am experiencing and relishing in God's goodness..



1. Just so everyone is up to speed. God brought an amazing man into my life towards the end of my summer. His name is Luke. The story of how we met is worth a blog on its own, but lets just say..it was unexpected and every day I count my blessings that God has seen fit for us to start a journey together. No, he is NOT Canadian for those who want to know if I met my Canadian husband, and NO, he is not the Russian man I met on the city bus. He lives in California, but we met by way of Canada. He has his Masters in Christian Counseling and is working on his certification as a Marriage and Family Therapist. So yes....cross country...fun fun. I will be spending thanksgiving with him and in the meantime... lots of Skype dates. I will say I am extremely challenged by him and he spurs me on daily to becoming the best version of myself possible.



2. God brought a small group of people into my life right before I left through a friends house church, now my family as well. They covered me in prayer, supported me while I was gone, and have given me a place to be welcomed into upon my return back to Savannah. They also challenge me and encourage me in my faith and God ordained that meeting before I left so I would have a place to belong when I came back.



3. I will be completely blunt and say...when I was thinking about returning to Savannah..I knew my Mom would want me to go back to my old church...but I had zero desire for that to happen. I had even emailed the new pastor and made this struggle and thought known to him. I just had too many issues with things that had happened in the past. But I type this with an extremely humble and gracious heart and say..."Today is a new day." He makes "All things new." And this church is in a new season. Trust me..I was the queen skeptic going in...but God is doing a Renovation in that church and in the hearts of those who serve and worship there. I am EXCITED about what is happening, and I am so thankful that God brought me back to this season. This morning the pastor gave the best sermon I've ever heard on loving your neighbor and serving the poor.....it is NOT by accident....that this happens to be the cry of my heart...and as I try to discern how I am supposed to live this out in this city...I was broken, in tears, at the altar at the end of the sermon, with my family praying behind me.....knowing full well that God had brought me back here full circle....to a church with a new vision, and my heart with a renewed love for the church.



4. Mo Leverett, a singer/song writer, and someone who has done inner city ministry in New Orleans and other areas for years came and gave a concert at the church last night. I was invited to have dinner with him and the missions committee to talk about being the hands and feet in our community. As I sat down across from him and told him of what I had been doing in Vancouver this summer and just my heart and burden for those in poverty, I literally felt as if someone looked deep in my soul and said..."I understand..I get you." Without even having to say a word. I will never be able to explain how thankful I am for that moment of feeling like I was understood, especially as I work out what that tangibly looks like in this city. I am encouraged that I have a new brother who wants to continue that dialogue and help.



I have lived so long in "self" Mode. How hard my life has been, or how painful certain struggles have been or how unfairly I've been treated at times. But those blinders have been removed and I found myself with tears of Joy this morning singing..."How Great Thou Art"



I don't know how this all works out on paper...between a boyfriend across the country to a heart a for type of ministry that really doesn't pay. But there is so much freedom in my spirit knowing that I don't have to have it all figured out today. I recently told someone.."Stop trying to fight for what you want and surrender to what God may be doing." And that is exactly what I'm going to do. The impossible dream in my heart is only possible with God. Lord may I never just attempt the things that I can do own my own, and may YOUR Glory be shown in my life.



There are no words that can do justice to the amount of gratitude I have for Pastor Haupi Tombing and his family for inviting me to Vancouver, Welcoming me into their home, Loving me, Nursing me back to emotional and spiritual health, and challenging me daily. God used your family and the friendships of those in Vancouver to once again change my life. You are all forever in my hearts.



And for the ones who encouraged, supported, prayed for, and challenged me from afar........I hope that this post gives you some idea of just how much your generosity and support meant to my life.



Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee. How Great Thou Art...How Great Thou Art...



With Love and Peace,

Morgan

Sorry this didnt get posted earlier...it was from 3 weeks before I left Canada!

Today marks the official final 3 weeks left in Canada.....where has the time gone? It went by too fast.



My new friend, Luke, has given the phrase "What are you doing?" a whole new meaning in my mind as the result of a funny story...I laugh everytime I think about it. And I find myself asking the same thing of God alot these days..."God...what are you doing?" And sometimes..I almost have to laugh because it all just seems too ironic or far fetched.



I feel like there is not one single area of my life where I find myself not asking this question. Career, friendships, relationships, finances, spiritually, etc. The closer my return gets...the more I find myself asking...and the more I feel the peace and the calmness I've felt start to TRY to become anxious. Like...."Ok God, do I get a preview? or are you just going to throw me into it like a reality tv show?"



My fear and probably truth is....like a reality tv show. I don't think I get to read the pilot script on this. So since I'm not able to focus on the "WHAT God is doing in my life", I have no choice but to focus on "WHO God is in my life and what His Word says."



I have really been working on taking EVERY thought CAPTIVE, committing it to God and asking HIM to have HIS way as the AUTHOR of my life. Who better to direct it than the One who wrote the script.



Here are some truths that I can cling to at this point in time. Personalization and emphasis mine:



"And my God will meet all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19



"Come to me, Morgan, when you are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28



"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9



"This is the assurance I have in approaching God; that if I ask anything according to his will, he hears me." 1 John 5:14



I can, "" Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways acknowledge him, and he will make my paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5,6



"Many are the plans in my heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28



""I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8



"Let the Lord lead you and trust Him to help." Psalm 37:5



oops, didn't mean to make that last one bold, but I think it sums it all up well, so I'll leave it. I don't know where you are in your story. If you're asking the same...."God, what are you doing?" questions....but I encourage, as I am striving to, to hold on to the truths of what He has promised us. Anything that does not stand up to them is a lie! And NOT of God.



Even though it may feel otherwise sometimes,

You are not forgotten. You are loved beyond measure. You have a purpose.



Sitting at His feet,

Morgan

The Half way Point ...an evaluation of my summer.

I KNOW THIS IS SUPER LONG...BUT PROBABLY THE MOST INSIGHTFUL BLOG YET...SO PLEASE KEEP READING lol

I am mortified that it has been so long since I blogged. I have really slacked on it. I've been thinking about it, but just haven't done it. I think this is for 2 reasons: 1) the past few weeks have been filled with things I've been trying to sort out on a personal level. I consider this growth considering, I used to blast my emotions and thoughts for the public eye before I really worked through them on my own. 2) I've just really not felt like blogging. But this acts as my journal and also a way in which eveyone can read about whats happening, so I will try to do better.

Well...yesterday marked the halfway mark of my summer. I only have about a month left here. It really has gone by surprisingly fast. It has been one for the history books. I don't know how much of a mark I'll leave ministry wise, but as for personal growth....it has probably been one of the biggest growth summers of my life. In looking back on where I was when I came vs. where I even sit just a little over a month later.....I feel like the changes are quite significant, at least to me.

Here are a few things I've learned:
1)I love fresh cherries. lol This really isnt monumental and wasnt even what I was going to type, but as I type this I'm eating a bowl of fresh cherries and they really are the best thing ever :)

2) Your Environment changes alot.
And I don't mean Going Green. I mean surroundings. I have so appreciated the opportunity to be in a new environment to gain perspective. Sometimes it is really hard to sort through things, figure out what you really think and feel when your environment doesnt change. Just the ability to be in a new place with new people offers so much insight into my life. This opportunity to gain a new perspective is probably the healthiest and most beneficial thing for me at this point in my life. I want to remember this when I'm faced with big decisions or difficult times in my life. Getting away for a day to pray and seek God is SO helpful. Even just being outside, looking at the mountains, feeling the sunshine....is something I need to do more.

3) It's not about "where" I am, as much as "who" I am.
One of the things I've tried to sort out while being here..is..."Where" am I supposed to live? People who know me, know that I've always dreamed of living in Vancouver. There is something very special about this place. And one of the things I've thought about is..."Should I really go through the major process of trying to just move here?" OR..."is it that I'm not necessarily called to this place as much as what it brings out in me when I'm here?" The Morgan I am here is the same Morgan I can be ANYWHERE. But in being here, it brings out a different part of me and I need to be able to be the same Morgan back home. Maybe God will lead me here someday, but now I feel very at peace about going back to Savannah for now. Vancouver may remain my "special" place that I can always come and know I'm loved, stretched, renewed, etc.

3) It's not about what I "DO" as much as how well I can "BE".
I am a Martha to a fault. I am always about "doing". It is SO hard for me to BE STILL. Heck, its even hard for me to take a nap. I am constantly itching for things to do. So when I get overwhelmed, sometimes its my own fault for taking on too much to DO. I have found myself with a lot of down time this summer. This has partly to do with most of my ministry activities being at night, but also because the people I'm living with know that this summer I needed to BE...and I needed to spend some time with my thoughts and with God, so I think Haupi was strategic in not loading me up. And for those that supported me financially to be here, I hope this isnt disappointing because I'm sure you want to see what I DO here. But no amount of money has ever been spent better in my life, than to allow me to BE here this summer. I have spent ALOT of time thinking, praying, reading, and resting.
There was about a week or so after I got here that felt like my body just deflated from exhaustion. I felt like I could sleep all day.....and i think it was because it was the first time I had STOPPED. I wasn't running on adrenaline and for the first time really FELT the damage I had done to myself. So I hope I can remain consistant with BEing.

4) Sometimes people rent and sometimes people buy.There is a season for everything.
I love people. And I have never been really good at accepting the seasons of my life. When someone comes into my life, I pretty much expect them to buy a lot and build for the long haul. I am fortunate to have some people that have done just that, and I hope they don't move on anytime soon. But I've started to accept that there are just some people who were only renting space, and either they or God has moved them on. But don't you always remember good neighbors? All throughout highschool and college and well into my adult life I have been the social glue. Whenever a get together happened, I would pull people from all over to try to keep them connected. And as a result, I would get so frustrated when it seemed like...I was the only common link anymore between them. But that's not always the way its meant to be. When someone moves.....its always exciting to see who the next neighbor is gonna be. I've had to stop putting my energy into trying to be a realestate agent, and just enjoy where I live. I hope that analogy makes sense. I've decided to stop investing in the foreclosed relationships...and start investing more than I have been into those that are bringing up property value. For too long I have let people hurt me over and over and over again and I keep opening my door. And there has to become a time in my life where I choose wisely those who will sharpen me. As iron sharpens iron. It doesnt mean that every friendship has to be my best friend....but thats exactly the point. I dont have to be best friends with everyone...and i think I've tried that for awhile. (someone is gonna read this and get all bent out of shape wondering if I'm talking about them. Please dont. It's a general observation) There are also people from high school and college that God has brought back into my life in a new and different season and it's been cool to see how time changes things.

5) Say what you mean and mean what you say.
As kids you always hear..."honesty is the best policy." And that has always been hard for me on both sides. To give it and to receive it. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I never wanted to make things awkward. I would start to be honest, but then back peddle if the person wasnt receiving it well. (I konw my mother will think that is all a lie, but there is a difference between stubborn and strong willed, and honest)And as far as people getting honest with me? Forget about it. I would shut down. You were the meanest person I knew. And a wall went up. I'd justify my feelings and make sure that you knew you were Wrong. lol
Thankfully....God has moved me past this and there have been people who have said some things to me that I REALLY needed to hear. There have been alot of questions asked to make me think or consider my motives. And rather than react....I decided to just let it sit and resonate in me for awhile. When I was able to do that...I realized.....there was some truth to what they were saying. I may not agree with it 100%, but I could take what I needed to from it and discard the rest.

6) There's no adventure in playing it safe.
This summer I decided that I am truly going to live by the motto of "I'll try anything once." I would say that my life has been pretty safe for the most part. Not without trouble or adventure, but pretty darn safe. Calculated. (again people would think as much as I move...thats not possible, but really....some of the moving is calculated in that it prevented me from having to go through certain things..making it safe).
I have tried so many different types of food since being here. And I really liked everything but one thing. So...I would say...that's pretty darn good. I would have never known I like Goat Curry of all things. I would not have some of the new friends I have if I would not have taken a risk in getting to know them. I would not even have this opportunity to be here if I had not taken a risk on leaving a job and waiting to find a new one and surviving on the generosity of those who believed in me to be able to be do this. I took a big risk recently, and had a conversation with someone that had been brewing for about 10 years now. And ya know? I'm really glad that I did all of it. I think God wants us to live an adventure. I think some of the greatest things in life happen in those moments where you step off that familiar terrain and jump. Scary? yes. But worth it? I think so.Maybe its a new career, a new relationship, a new friend, a mission trip, a new food. And I've decided that I dont want to look back on my life and always wonder what that leap would have felt like.

So....there ya have it.....God is working in me. And hopefully as a result will work through me. Thanks for reading. And Thanks for the prayers. and Thanks for believing in me.