I KNOW THIS IS SUPER LONG...BUT PROBABLY THE MOST INSIGHTFUL BLOG YET...SO PLEASE KEEP READING lol
I am mortified that it has been so long since I blogged. I have really slacked on it. I've been thinking about it, but just haven't done it. I think this is for 2 reasons: 1) the past few weeks have been filled with things I've been trying to sort out on a personal level. I consider this growth considering, I used to blast my emotions and thoughts for the public eye before I really worked through them on my own. 2) I've just really not felt like blogging. But this acts as my journal and also a way in which eveyone can read about whats happening, so I will try to do better.
Well...yesterday marked the halfway mark of my summer. I only have about a month left here. It really has gone by surprisingly fast. It has been one for the history books. I don't know how much of a mark I'll leave ministry wise, but as for personal growth....it has probably been one of the biggest growth summers of my life. In looking back on where I was when I came vs. where I even sit just a little over a month later.....I feel like the changes are quite significant, at least to me.
Here are a few things I've learned:
1)I love fresh cherries. lol This really isnt monumental and wasnt even what I was going to type, but as I type this I'm eating a bowl of fresh cherries and they really are the best thing ever :)
2) Your Environment changes alot.
And I don't mean Going Green. I mean surroundings. I have so appreciated the opportunity to be in a new environment to gain perspective. Sometimes it is really hard to sort through things, figure out what you really think and feel when your environment doesnt change. Just the ability to be in a new place with new people offers so much insight into my life. This opportunity to gain a new perspective is probably the healthiest and most beneficial thing for me at this point in my life. I want to remember this when I'm faced with big decisions or difficult times in my life. Getting away for a day to pray and seek God is SO helpful. Even just being outside, looking at the mountains, feeling the sunshine....is something I need to do more.
3) It's not about "where" I am, as much as "who" I am.
One of the things I've tried to sort out while being here..is..."Where" am I supposed to live? People who know me, know that I've always dreamed of living in Vancouver. There is something very special about this place. And one of the things I've thought about is..."Should I really go through the major process of trying to just move here?" OR..."is it that I'm not necessarily called to this place as much as what it brings out in me when I'm here?" The Morgan I am here is the same Morgan I can be ANYWHERE. But in being here, it brings out a different part of me and I need to be able to be the same Morgan back home. Maybe God will lead me here someday, but now I feel very at peace about going back to Savannah for now. Vancouver may remain my "special" place that I can always come and know I'm loved, stretched, renewed, etc.
3) It's not about what I "DO" as much as how well I can "BE".
I am a Martha to a fault. I am always about "doing". It is SO hard for me to BE STILL. Heck, its even hard for me to take a nap. I am constantly itching for things to do. So when I get overwhelmed, sometimes its my own fault for taking on too much to DO. I have found myself with a lot of down time this summer. This has partly to do with most of my ministry activities being at night, but also because the people I'm living with know that this summer I needed to BE...and I needed to spend some time with my thoughts and with God, so I think Haupi was strategic in not loading me up. And for those that supported me financially to be here, I hope this isnt disappointing because I'm sure you want to see what I DO here. But no amount of money has ever been spent better in my life, than to allow me to BE here this summer. I have spent ALOT of time thinking, praying, reading, and resting.
There was about a week or so after I got here that felt like my body just deflated from exhaustion. I felt like I could sleep all day.....and i think it was because it was the first time I had STOPPED. I wasn't running on adrenaline and for the first time really FELT the damage I had done to myself. So I hope I can remain consistant with BEing.
4) Sometimes people rent and sometimes people buy.There is a season for everything.
I love people. And I have never been really good at accepting the seasons of my life. When someone comes into my life, I pretty much expect them to buy a lot and build for the long haul. I am fortunate to have some people that have done just that, and I hope they don't move on anytime soon. But I've started to accept that there are just some people who were only renting space, and either they or God has moved them on. But don't you always remember good neighbors? All throughout highschool and college and well into my adult life I have been the social glue. Whenever a get together happened, I would pull people from all over to try to keep them connected. And as a result, I would get so frustrated when it seemed like...I was the only common link anymore between them. But that's not always the way its meant to be. When someone moves.....its always exciting to see who the next neighbor is gonna be. I've had to stop putting my energy into trying to be a realestate agent, and just enjoy where I live. I hope that analogy makes sense. I've decided to stop investing in the foreclosed relationships...and start investing more than I have been into those that are bringing up property value. For too long I have let people hurt me over and over and over again and I keep opening my door. And there has to become a time in my life where I choose wisely those who will sharpen me. As iron sharpens iron. It doesnt mean that every friendship has to be my best friend....but thats exactly the point. I dont have to be best friends with everyone...and i think I've tried that for awhile. (someone is gonna read this and get all bent out of shape wondering if I'm talking about them. Please dont. It's a general observation) There are also people from high school and college that God has brought back into my life in a new and different season and it's been cool to see how time changes things.
5) Say what you mean and mean what you say.
As kids you always hear..."honesty is the best policy." And that has always been hard for me on both sides. To give it and to receive it. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I never wanted to make things awkward. I would start to be honest, but then back peddle if the person wasnt receiving it well. (I konw my mother will think that is all a lie, but there is a difference between stubborn and strong willed, and honest)And as far as people getting honest with me? Forget about it. I would shut down. You were the meanest person I knew. And a wall went up. I'd justify my feelings and make sure that you knew you were Wrong. lol
Thankfully....God has moved me past this and there have been people who have said some things to me that I REALLY needed to hear. There have been alot of questions asked to make me think or consider my motives. And rather than react....I decided to just let it sit and resonate in me for awhile. When I was able to do that...I realized.....there was some truth to what they were saying. I may not agree with it 100%, but I could take what I needed to from it and discard the rest.
6) There's no adventure in playing it safe.
This summer I decided that I am truly going to live by the motto of "I'll try anything once." I would say that my life has been pretty safe for the most part. Not without trouble or adventure, but pretty darn safe. Calculated. (again people would think as much as I move...thats not possible, but really....some of the moving is calculated in that it prevented me from having to go through certain things..making it safe).
I have tried so many different types of food since being here. And I really liked everything but one thing. So...I would say...that's pretty darn good. I would have never known I like Goat Curry of all things. I would not have some of the new friends I have if I would not have taken a risk in getting to know them. I would not even have this opportunity to be here if I had not taken a risk on leaving a job and waiting to find a new one and surviving on the generosity of those who believed in me to be able to be do this. I took a big risk recently, and had a conversation with someone that had been brewing for about 10 years now. And ya know? I'm really glad that I did all of it. I think God wants us to live an adventure. I think some of the greatest things in life happen in those moments where you step off that familiar terrain and jump. Scary? yes. But worth it? I think so.Maybe its a new career, a new relationship, a new friend, a mission trip, a new food. And I've decided that I dont want to look back on my life and always wonder what that leap would have felt like.
So....there ya have it.....God is working in me. And hopefully as a result will work through me. Thanks for reading. And Thanks for the prayers. and Thanks for believing in me.
